The Let Them Theory

The New York Times bestselling book about learning to let go and choose your own path by self help queen Mel Robbins. Her Let Them theory promises to give you the mindset and tools to unlock your full potential.

Over the holidays my daughter sent us a podcast link with Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty discussing the Let Them theory. “Listen to this mom, she said.  “I can’t recommend this enough. Listen in the car with everyone. Trust me!”

Mel Robbins has a mini empire of books, courses, talks and social media followers. I had followed her on instagram and I’d heard of her Let Them theory, so I was already interested, but I was most intrigued by my daughter’s insistence.

So we listened to the interview.  And we got it pretty quickly. This is good, I said.  But my 18 year old wanted to turn it off after 5 minutes. He felt she kept saying the same thing.  “OK I got it already, let people do what they want. Don’t get upset, just focus on what you can do.” In fact, at times I felt like this too – like she was over explaining it, but when I read the book, I realised that the repetition is good because it enforces the mantra in your mind and it becomes an instinctive reaction.  She also unpacks it according to different areas of your life.  Also, the theory is not new and she admits this.  It echoes the Stoic’s idea that we can only control our response to what happens.

I decided to buy the book on Audible so I could listen to it while I went about my errands and exercise over the next month. And here’s the thing, it’s started to completely change my reactions to people, set backs, my work, my children, my husband – everything.

What does it say?

Let’s look at what the theory entails. Mel believes that two simple words ‘Let Them’ can unlock your happiness.

“If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or frustrated with where you are, the problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you give to other people. Two simple words―Let Them―will set you free. Free from the opinions, drama, and judgments of others. Free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you. The Let Them Theory puts the power to create a life you love back in your hands―and this book will show you exactly how to do it.  Stop wasting energy on what you can’t control and start focusing on what truly matters: YOU. Your happiness. Your goals. Your life.”

Let Them and Let Me

The key to the theory is in the words ‘Let Me.’  Mel takes the idea of letting go to a new level by following it with “let me”, which is how you reclaim your power.  Let them do what they will do anyway, and decide what you can do differently. You have power over what you do from there.  Do you decide to spend your time moaning about having to wait in a queue, or do you take the time to chat to people around you or send messages, or read a book? It’s a great mantra for teens too. What happens when you feel like everyone is judging you and finding you inferior? Applying the Let Them theory is wonderfully freeing and self-affirming.

Parenting skills

You can apply the Let Them theory to every aspect of life but I think it’s especially powerful for raising children. Let them.  Stop fighting and going round and round on the same issues. It’s a similar theory to the idea that you pick your battles, except in this one, you don’t pick any battles, you change the playing field. Do you waste time fighting with your child about bed time or do you look for ways to create the outcome you want?  Of course it is tricky with a child and she explains how to ‘let go’ safely when you’re a parent.

She shares stories and examples so you can see the different ways you can apply the theory, looking at:

• Why we get so upset about things we can’t control.
• Find out reasons why your parents and partners are so controlling.
• There are times when the “Let Them” rule does NOT apply and she goes into this.
• What you teach people or children when you’re constantly rescuing them.
• Are you actually in a relationship with a real person, or a vision?
• How to handle friendship issues and changes in relationships.
• It’s not your responsibility to make sure everyone else is never hurt.

I like her chatty style even if her voice does grate after a while – I think it’s a mid-west American accent.  A lot of what she says is not new to me as I do read a lot of spiritual teachings. You may want to fast forward sections at times.  Some may find her too ‘woo woo’, but I appreciate that she does weave in advice and research from other experts in psychology, neuroscience, relationships, happiness, and ancient wisdom to back her ideas up. And although she stretches her ideas and examples out for way too long, I judge a self-help book by the real change it has on me and so far, it’s doing the job.

What she promises

· Stop wasting energy on things you can’t control
· Stop comparing yourself to other people
· Break free from fear and self-doubt
· Release the grip of people’s expectations
· Build the best friendships of your life
· Create the love you deserve
· Pursue what truly matters to you with confidence
· Build resilience against everyday stressors and distractions
· Define your own path to success, joy, and fulfillment

Let us know what you think!

Listen to our podcast review here.

Controversy

I can’t review the book without touching on the controversy that some people feel surrounds the claiming of the idea of Let Them. While Mel admits the theory is an old one, that goes back to the Stoics, she doesn’t reference the poem written by Cassie Philips, which went viral about a year ago, before Mel’s book came out.  The Good Thing Guy talks about it here. 

The idea of just accepting what is, is not new. After all, The Beatles said it beautifully in 1970 with ‘Let It Be.’ For that matter, Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off can be seen as a version of the same thing! 🙂 I think it matters less who ‘owns’ the idea than what they do with it and Mel’s book is helpful to many who need to unpack and apply the idea to their life.  It would be nice however, if she could open up about it, and maybe in the future she will.  Or maybe she will just ‘let them’ argue over it and keep doing what she does best!